sometimes, all the time.

sometimes, but just sometimes, i hope for a big tragedy to come strike my mellow dramatic world. to think of the worst thing possible to happen to me makes me feel that afterwards nothing could feel any worse and the only feeling left to feel is happiness. sometimes when it feels like everyone at least 50 miles out from any direction is deep asleep, i like to think of all the people i could possibly know and what they could be dreaming about right this second and how i could invade into it. sometimes i cant sleep. i lay there flat on my back with my hands at my side and try to fall sleep, and you know that moment when you START to drift away? i like to call that a pre-awakening. well i always start off with the same pre-awakening, of dying in that very moment with my hands at my side, laying like a dead corpse in my cozy white bed. sometimes when im feeling the greatest and feel like nothing could bring me down, i think of all the bad things that has happened to me in my life. most of the time i do prove at the end that i am truely happy for in this moment and that nothing could possibly bring me down. or at least in this moment. sometimes its hard for me to talk when i know no ones really interested in hearing what i say. i start stuttering and mixing my words up and they just sit their watching me pour my words into a blender and even though it made no sense at all in the end, they dont ask, no one ever does. theyre just waiting for me to finish so that they could start using their own mouths. how could you not feel so alone when this occurs in most of the crowded rooms you take part in? sometimes i like to believe that the word sometimes itself is the loneliest word i regularly use; subsiding the word lonely itself. hah. sometimes, but just sometimes, i feel alone all the time.